Four Years By
Today marks 4 years of being married.
I used to idolize marriage, I think. I believed that getting married and having kids and experiencing that part of life would complete me and bring out the best version of myself.
Which is true, I guess, because it did. It did complete me, in a way. It did bring out the best version of myself.
But like all great and profound things in life, marriage is a seemingly unending paradox of mystery.
It completed me because it emptied me first. It is completing me more intricately and perfectly every day because I am constantly being emptied within it.
It did bring out the best version of myself because it rid me of myself and simultaneously showed me to myself at the same time, and does every day.
It’s an odd thing that mysteries reveal our truest self by ridding us of the outer shells which we thought were the richest parts of ourselves and continuously replacing them with deeper and every more beautiful parts. It’s odd, but lovely.
It’s odd that crippling grief, intense suffering, and even petty annoyances can accumulate into boundless opportunities for grace and mercy.
It’s odd that another human can seemingly morph into a part of your own humanity while always reminding you of how hopelessly different you are.
It’s odd to be living in a reality that sometimes feels like a fairy tale and other times like the trenches of battle, and how loving someone can be so difficult and so easy in the same day.
All of these realities are odd, They are funky. They don’t make sense and yet they make all the sense in the world. Marriage is the best thing, the hardest thing, the most isolating thing, the holiest thing, the thing that shows me earthly life is just a moment passing by; it simply is all the things. Loving another person is the best thing I have ever done for myself in this life, and just like marriage, having family and children and students and friends call me into a deeper reality, a better mode of living, a more profound way of being who I am certainly meant to be.