Restlessness + Coziness
I find myself in a busy season of life. I guess?
School has started again with thirty new students and sets of parents. Leo is a busy, opinionated little boy. Being 33 weeks pregnant isn’t so very demanding for me, other than the fact that I know another kid is coming and I mentally cannot separate myself from that reality. I do my best to fill my day to day with things I enjoy like reading new books, painting on the weekends, starting a new show with Garrett after Leo goes to sleep. I try to make chores more interesting by rearranging my apartment and buying new vegetables for my lunches. I text friends and plan dates to hang out on the weekends.
But still, even on my very busiest days, I don’t like relaxing. I get restless in the morning drinking my coffee on the weekends, wondering what I’ll do to fill in my time without going to work. When I get back from school, I feel an insatiable need to tidy up every space I see needing my assistance before we make dinner.
I find it mystifying that I used to spend hours browsing Facebook as an eighteen year old, or take up my afternoon drawing in my sketchbook as a high schooler. How did I not become so restless and overwhelmed by a desire to go and do and accomplish?
I think I saw firsthand how incredible it feels to check things off my list. I experienced how satisfying it is to have your minuscule, daily tasks line up in such a way that sets up an entire week or month for success. I feel better about who I am when I have done the things I have set out to do.
And that is fine. It is all well and good.
But when I find myself with a restlessness that makes me bored within five minutes of playing with my son, I have to pause internally. When precious time set aside for resting and recuperating is constantly interrupted by my need to glance at my phone, answer an email, and go wash a stupid pan immediately, I truly have to reset my interior vibes by proclaiming coziness and stillness.
“Rest is not idleness.”
I need this tattooed on the inside of my eyelids, But really, I do.
Just like when I see laziness, and I proclaim the truth that accomplishment and duty and creativity are good things existing to make us more full….I need to tangibly distinguish in my mind that resting is not the same as laziness. That rest in its proper place place makes all the hard, dutiful things possible. That rest doesn’t mean just watching another show or taking an hour break from lesson plans.
Rest is interior. Rest is a soul state, desperately required for healing us up on the inside, but sometimes we have to fight hard to abide there.
So, as I battle my desire to nest and organize even though there’s nothing left to do, I tell myself that letting my heart rest in a cozy space of reading and snuggling is okay, not just because my fingertips and intellect are asleep and gearing up for the next time I have to save the world: I am resting because rest is good and goodness makes me whole.